beginnings - again

superstitious soup, surrender, and the morse code of possibility

January has been a bit of a pretzel over here my friends. I’ve felt kind of folded over and twisted in the middle. While I’m still my salty self, I’ve been moving slowly toward straightening myself out over here.

How are you all holding up? I know there’s been a lot to navigate. California is on fire. Trump has been inaugurated. My oldest daughter is now listening to music when she showers - loudly - which I think means she’s a teenager now officially (wish me luck).

I know January is almost over but I wanted to talk about beginnings for a second. I didn’t realize I had rules around the permission to have them but I do. And there’s some weird juju that I sometimes feel needs to be in place for them to succeed.

I hadn’t really paid a lot of attention to my feelings about the New Year but recently I became aware that I am what you would call a wee bit superstitious about it all. New Year’s feels very much like setting some magical stage, sending out a Morse code so to speak to the universe for help or changes that I’d like to make or things I’m hoping to create. It’s a personal invitation - and with that it makes you feel a little like a wallflower. Waiting for someone to come over and ask you to dance. You’re hoping it all works out because you wore your prettiest dress.

I don’t get too crazy (mostly) and I definitely don’t stay up til midnight (morning person!) but I like to be sure the house is clean, the Christmas decorations are put away (whew), and that if there are things in our house we haven’t touched in a year that we seriously consider finding them a new home. I like the house to feel like a clean slate on New Year’s Eve. And for the past five years or so I have ALWAYS had a pot of good luck soup on the stove. The black-eyed peas are meant to represent good luck and the greens represent money or prosperity. This soup has always felt a little magical and I think I lean towards anything that works double duty; delicious and meaningful two of my favorite things to wrap up in a tradition. And so every year I set the stage. The house. The soup. And I write myself a little note about the things I am dreaming of for the New Year - whatever I want to invite in.

However, as has been the theme for the past several months, the universe had other plans for me. I was upstairs tidying up in the attic, our play space, and started feeling dizzy, went downstairs and muttered something about just needing to lay down for a bit, started a fever, and then promptly did not get out of bed for another FIVE days. It would be another seven before I could stand up for more than twenty minutes, hold a conversation, and enjoy my taste buds again.

Side note: I’m pretty tired of losing my taste buds; I’d really like to keep them for more than a week. If someone has a line upstairs please put in a good word for me.

Strangely, whatever got me, ended up getting my “little” sister (she’s much taller than me - almost 6’ while I’m 5’5’’) all the way over on the other side of the country at the EXACT same time. We would text each other in our delirium, short little messages…

• “Are you alive?”

• “I feel like I’m dying, do you feel like you’re dying”

• “I didn’t know full-body shaking with fever was a real thing. I thought it was just in the movies”

I’ve never been so sick. I was emailing myself the exact times that I was dosing myself with Motrin and Tylenol in the hopes of not destroying my liver. But the funny part, other than the distinct feeling of drama and not caring about anything at all - possibly forever - was that I was worried about the soup! I was worried if I didn’t make the soup tragedy would strike! I’d have a for sure lousy year. This thought ironically, if I’m being honest, coming on the heels of a few distinctly lousy months.

What this means is that, embarrassingly, I think I’m in control of the actual universe. Because even with all the physical misery I was navigating, the primary feeling floating up from my delirium was fear and dread over my collard greens going limp in my fridge. Might as well throw my hands in the air and succumb to the truth that now the good fortune was going to walk right past my door and go take a seat at someone else’s house; someone’s house that smelled deliciously of bacon and black-eyed peas.

Because good fortune is persnickety, opportunistic, and maybe takes things a little bit personally? I don’t think so.

All I have been able to do amidst this month’s challenges and surprises is sigh and surrender to what is; rest, rest again, eat a lot of Cheerios (it’s all I want to eat when I’m sick), and drink more ginger tea than I have in my entire lifetime. So. Much. Tea.

Perhaps the rest will mean that I will be super comfortable slowing down this year, the cheerios can mean sweetness in little things, and the ginger tea hmmmm, perhaps a rootedness to the days? See there I go again - looking for meaning in every little thing - because we get to. We get to choose the flavor of the meaning in our moments. None of it is personal, good or bad luck, but we get to decide what to make of it.

I still haven’t made the soup. I chose to head out with my kids and find a slide made of ice instead. I think the universe sent me a little message, a little code - spelling out that I don’t have to try so hard - to get it right - to be on time - to have anything be "just so.” I just have to begin again - every day - as I’m able. And maybe just have a little more fun. The soup can wait.

rainbow ice slide!

I hope you all have been holding steady. Thanks for being here. I’d love to hear about anything you are beginning. Today is a good day for it.

Reminder: There is still time to sign up for our Artist’s Way workshop which begins this coming Sunday, January 26th.

If you’re looking for some connection, community, and good conversation I hope you’ll join us. It really is lovely.

Sign-up is easy on my website where you’ll find more information as well.

If you have questions don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d love to hear from you!

As always THANK YOU for your support here in this space. If you know of someone who might be interested please feel free to share this post. I appreciate it!