Hey friends. How are you holding up? You doing ok? Eating breakfast? Drinking water? Getting some sleep? Breathing in and out slowly? Listening to music? I’ll be honest, my nerves are shot.
I’ve been sleeping past my alarm. Repeatedly. Despite telling myself, every evening as I fight to keep my eyes open to read a few pages of a book not found in the children’s section of the library, that tomorrow I will do it! I will wake up and have my time. I will have my two hours to write and read and think without a small human using me as a monkey bar. And then I sleep right through.
This is not like me. I am a very light sleeper to the point of it being concerning. I know what’s going on though. I think my nervous system is directly overriding my higher self’s wishes for the precious early wake up. Because, I also use this time when I’m alone (safer cause you know…the sobbing) to read the news. And honestly I think my body has come up with this plan thinking that if I sleep a little longer, perhaps when I wake up I’ll stumble out of bed into a world where current events have miraculously changed. Where all the failures of kindness, as George Saunders would say, have been rewritten. His commencement speech on his own failures of kindness is one I reread often and highly recommend.
Our poor bodies. All they know is to run. When we read, see, or engage in information and / or conversations that scare us, and grieve us, our body very immediately shifts into the good old fight or flight response. But in this life we’re often sitting in our bed with our cat next to our leg (I can never move when this miracle happens!) or we’re in the kitchen stealing a moment while keeping one eye out the window, watching our kiddos jump on the trampoline, or sitting at the DMV about to take our second skills test (failed the first one this week) and so running (anywhere) isn’t actually an option. Although I really really wanted to stand up, yell save yourselves! throw my numbered ticket on the floor and run out of the DMV. What a place. Oh the despair of sitting next to a hundred other humans all thinking the same thing, those people behind the counter look really angry, this probably isn’t going to work out today.
When our nervous system is saying go, go go but we can’t run, that expenditure of fearful gut wrenching energy doesn’t happen and I think it starts to literally eat away at our sanctity; we’re frozen, startled, shrunken, and twitchy. My breathing has been shallow. It feels like I’ve been holding my breath watching how people are treating each other everywhere. Moving through my days in disbelief wondering what I might see today on the street or while pumping gas. The other night laying in bed I actually started having prepper fantasies — my brain went directly to it’s all falling apart, and soon, so in the interest of being safe tomorrow I should plan on directly getting a whole bunch of canned peaches. That’s logic. I know it’s really that deep primal desire to stay alive, triggered by news stories that so many are not, in fact, able to control whether they will be tomorrow; logically my body wants to hide, to be still…basically to not be eaten alive by the world.
And so this Love List is dedicated to our nervous systems, nestled deep in our bodies, doing it’s best to keep us safe and carry us around in our lives, albeit begrudgingly today (I am currently half buried under three blankets). It’s all over the place but so am I these days. Here’s what’s helping me; take what you like and leave the rest.
LOVE LIST
Maggie Smith’s recent sub which started out “it’s hard for me to write right now”, and I thought yup. Writing, sitting, eating, talking, walking — it all feels like it comes and goes with difficulty right now. I highly recommend checking out her post as she re-shares her list of poems that make you glad to be alive.
Cooking. Most specifically Baking. Preferably a pie but an easy one. The Minimalist Baker’s 1-Bowl Pumpkin Pie (Vegan +GF) I have had a hard time wanting to cook meals since Oct. 7th or anything really. But it’s coming back and it’s calming (even if it’s not your jam) to feed yourself. Something about focusing on a teaspoon of cinnamon. It’s an act of nourishment and appreciation and brings you right into the moment you’re in, right into some sweetness which has been in short supply.
Byron Katie’s work. Just dive in you’ll be glad you did.
Liberating Questions to ease the nervous system and the mind
Re-reading the old book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk” - while reading it I suddenly thought wow, no one is doing this in the world right now (dramatic I know but it feels like it). It’s worth a read if you’re stuck in a parenting moment (raising my hand; our girl just turned four) or just want to be a better listener with other fully grown adult humans. Because let’s face it we’re all kinda still children in the end — no matter what it says on our driver’s license.
Um, I’ve taken more baths in the past four weeks than I have in the past ten years. I had forgotten how good they are. If you’re a parent it’s hard but I’m telling ya. It’s good medicine. Go to the store grab a bag of epsom salt (don’t skip this step), if you can afford it snag a little bottle of lavender or chamomile (or whatever gets you going) essential oil — move the bath toys off the ledge, lock the door - slip into the water, as hot as you can stand it, and lay down so that your ears are under the water and your hair swirls around you like a mermaid - when you do this you will hear your heartbeat in your ears. When you close your eyes you will hear your breathing like a soft wind in a cave. Your body will whisper hallelujah in thanks. It can be a short one - ten minutes — just do it.
A daily, preferably morning, walk — enough said. My body wants to run but we’ve talked and came to an agreement that walking is good too. The walking insists that we’re not in danger. You don’t need to read or listen to anything to understand that walking outside is good for you but if you like that sort of thing check out This Morning Walk.
I can’t seem to listen to music with words these days, I need a lot less input to be grounded, so I’ve been listening to instrumental tracks. I offer the classic Piano Bar playlist to you — ya know, if you need some tunes for your energy, but just can’t take the narrative input.
** Bonus love; I decided to start writing letters again. It may be at least 20 years since this has happened with any sort of care, art, or regularity. I used to send collage style letters with snippets of magazines and flowers and drawings — all typed up on a typewriter and glued down. So far I have written to one friend and there was no glue involved. But I’ve made my list, I’m checking it twice, I’m going to write about all things naughty and nice, with a pen, and a sheet of paper (no cards for this gal) — so get ready friends. And if you’d like to receive a hand written letter from yours truly, but I don’t have you in my address book, please send me your address. It would make me very very happy to make something and send it your way. It would be an act of love and defiance. Take that social media machine! Watch me take a long time to put words on paper and send them out to ONE PERSON with no option for comments from others - wild.
I’d love to hear what you’re doing to stay grounded, soft and safe these days. See you in the comments. Sending you love.
I've been saving this in my inbox because I knew I needed it. I didn't know HOW MUCH I needed it. Thank you, thank you. What a time we're living. xo
Ditto on the baths. Last night I was a bundle of nerves as well, and I even ate one of my CBD gummies which I’m still warming up to (not liking marijuana products in general), but it helped dissolve some of my shoulder tightness. Had a hot hot bath and read a little. Watched Taskmaster with the fam, had some good laughs. Slept mostly well with detailed dreams. And thinking about skipping work today.