This past week I found myself literally wanting to crawl out of my body. I was triggered by my inability to control someone who was seeming to take pure unadulterated delight out of wielding their power over my situation (I wrote about it here). And it felt like all I wanted was to fast forward to the part where I no longer had to deal with this person. My capacity was low. And I found myself engaging in activities which I knew wouldn’t help me but which were obviously stemming from a deep underlying desire to speed things up.
Coffee isn’t good for me. May seem pathetic to call out caffeine but hey, we are all about being honest around here, even about the little things. And coffee makes me angry, nervous, and anxious and yet still when I’m in a perceived survival situation my brain always seems to think it needs to press the booster button, speed my thoughts up, and get an iced oat milk latte…ya know to better see the cheetahs waiting in the tall grass. It also always regrets said decision when after fifteen minutes not only am I still in fight or flight but now my hands are shaking.
This went on for several days. My speeding myself up (insert not taking care of myself) when what I really needed to do was slow down, breathe, yell the serenity prayer in my head, and accept the truth; I wasn’t in control of the outcome. I could only show up, pay attention, be honest, and let go of the end result.
But ALL my stuff came up.
The fight or flight was real. I went through all the phases of survival; denial that is was happening, ANGER, a desire to people please in order to manipulate, a strong urge to step in and take firm control (somehow) of the situation because obviously only I could resolve it (inflated sense of self importance much).
It was so fun.
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