rabid dust bunnies
a trip to cleveland, rainn wilson, phones that call you, and maple syrup in my tea
Yesterday, I ran into three people with their heads down, staring at their phones, while walking across, up, and down streets. The first older gentleman, with his very old manny baggy pants and a button up plaid, was walking out of In N’ Out, and he didn’t once look up while pushing open the door, walking across the sidewalk and then stepping out into the street in front of me…until some noise must have pulled him back into his body and he realized he was OUTSIDE and in the world and carrying food and he waved at me and then looked back down. I don’t know how he found his car. Perhaps by GPS? The other two were just “out for a walk” but not really. One of them, again a gentleman but younger appeared to be watching youtube music videos while on his way home. I could hear music and commentary, so not sure what was happening there, is there still MTV? But he walking up the road in the condo complex where we live, coming towards me and my family, and he didn’t look up until he was almost adjacent to my partner to whom he suddenly muttered “good morning” and then corrected himself “I mean good afternoon” to which my partner said “or, it could be good evening or whatever.” It was 6:30pm. I am sharing this here, not to be judgy, but when things happen in threes (although I am not mentioning the third person because I’m short on time here) I tend to pay attention.
I myself woke up, went and put the kettle on, lit the fireplace, and promptly opened my phone. Instead of standing in the kitchen with myself I looked at my phone. As I did this I remembered that Rainn Wilson just came out with a new book called “Soul Boom why we need a spiritual revolution.” I have not read it. I don’t know if it talks about phones. All I know about the book is the title and that I love Rainn Wilson but I’m really hoping I find it in the airport bookshop today. I think he’s right. I think it’s something spiritual we need to revolutionize. And I’m not talking about religion. And it’s not just about the phones. It’s about the distraction. The distraction that keeps us from knowing what to do about people getting shot at schools and outlet malls. The outrage that rises up and then the distracted ease at which we lower our heads and feel better “watching something.” Someone, on the internet (who I can’t remember because that’s how the internet works) said recently people used to call us on our phones now our phones call to us. They pull us into them and away from all that is present in front of us. And then they went on to talk about what we’re actually losing. The gift of space and time and boredom but more really about the space we fill up inside our heads with phone time. The space that would be held by our thoughts and attention but instead is being fed by our feed. They talked about Wendell Barry and about finding simple things to pay attention to. Again, I’ll mention Amelia Hruby who I loved so much for bringing me the idea of sacred attention. It’s sacred this attention we have and taking it back is no small feat. Finding ways to carve out the time and space to lean into the hard moments and just be in our bodies walking around in the evening. More importantly perhaps, allowing ourselves to notice that it is in fact the evening.
I know I’m throwing a lot at you. I’ve been packing this week, wrapping up season one of the podcast, wrapping up all the things really as we prepare to move in a couple weeks. And there’s something about putting things away, in boxes, that makes my thoughts suddenly race around as if they were released from some small corner of the closet. They fly around like rapid dust bunnies that have suddenly been given wings. It’s been like that this week and writing has been…well, like this (see above) all over the place. I had an hour to sit with you here before the day begins and I wanted to use it freely. To share all the things that are coming up. To pay attention to the thoughts and write them down. It is morning, the fire is going, I had to use maple syrup in my tea because I’m all out of date syrup and the truth is honey leaves a funny taste in my mouth and sugar makes me angry. Maple syrup does not make me angry but it’s no replacement for date syrup, that shit is bomb in everything. I looked at my phone and did the loop on it…email, IG, marco, FB, zillow, email…then set it down. And it felt yucky. I realized I didn’t want to answer the phone.
I am taking my daughter to her endocrinologist today. And after that we are killing time in LA until the evening when we hop on a flight to Cleveland. I know. I know. Cleveland? On mother’s day weekend. First I’ll share that the endo appointment always fills with me fear and dread. Whatever the update on her status it sits on my shoulders as I’m the one in charge of the programing here; what she eats, how much she moves, all the things that either support or fail her metabolic and endocrine system. I used to have to take something for anxiety before I went to these appointments. It was so hard for me to be in the room and be present and pay attention to what the Dr. was saying. I was just filled with fear the whole time. Hey, look there’s that attention thing again. It’s easier now but it still catches my breath and I have to remember if I’m not calm she’s not calm. It’s a thing. I breathe and count up and back down to ten in my head a lot. Later tonight we’re flying to Cleveland to see the city and explore Ohio and that too for some odd reason has filled me with some dread. I’m going to check out the city, fun right!, as it kept coming up on our radar and we saw a cheap ticket so we thought hey, why not just go see! I think the feeling this morning was suddenly that the trip is important, and critical because we’re going to see all the things and report back accurately on whether it is a good place to live and could push Minnesota out of the running, which is impossible to do in three days. Perhaps we should just admit that it’s impossible to figure anything out in three days.
So here’s what I’m going to try and do. Instead of worrying about any of these things I’m going to try to be present and to pay attention all throughout the day. Even when it’s hard. And even when it’s boring. Like when I’m on the spirit flight tonight, which has nothing to offer in the way of entertainment for four hours, I will pay attention to the arm rest and the way the lady next to me is breathing through her nose. I’m going to look at my daughter and notice when I suddenly think perhaps we should go find some carbohydrates or caffeine because I’m feeling a lot of things mostly panic around entering a large gray medical building in LA and it would be nice to have something to hold in my hand…I’m going to get us water instead. I’m going to attempt to be in the experience of the moment, everywhere I go, as much as humanely possible. The experience of walking around in the world, looking around at it and noticing if it’s the morning, or afternoon, or evening. And i’m going to find some date syrup to bring to Cleveland because one must have tea in the morning the way they truly like it if they are to be present for such things. I think Rainn Wilson might say Boom! Wish me luck.
More on Cleveland soon!!