when life doesn't play nice

remembering the right questions

Earlier today I was sitting on my bed, surrounded by unfolded laundry, Pete the Cat was on low in the living room (babysitter), and I could hear the click click, click click of magna tiles (those who know know) being played with. My three year old was whimpering loudly and with the intention of being heard by me. This is all because she had decided she only wanted to eat cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Her rejected meal of homemade chicken noodle soup had gone cold and was still waiting for her on the table; mocking her. I don’t usually do this, insist they eat what I make, but today I put a stake in the ground; why today when I needed to write? I don’t know…but so it tis.

I share this as a person who is trying to make two very different things daily. There is the making of myself as mother. One whom hopefully my children enjoy being in relationship with. One who feels connected, present, peaceful and loving with her kids as much as humanely possible (not always possible without escape trips to the bathroom that have nothing to do with using the bathroom; but everything to do with taking deep breaths and saying prayers for strength under my breath, that I will pull myself together and act like a grown up). And there is the making of myself as an artist; one who wants to pay attention, write things down, draw, be still, and often alone…for long periods of time. Then write more things down. Then sit even longer.

These two conduits for my creativity and love sometimes overlap and play nicely together but lately more often than not they do not.

I’ll say when they do it’s gorgeous; just today my youngest randomly YELLED out from her carseat slow down momma and pay attention. I was actually at a stop light which was why it was funny and I felt like it was the universe talking directly to me not my three year old. Yes ma’am, and thank you, I replied. I had to laugh. It works for everything really but especially mothering and making things you care about…slow down and pay attention.

But when they do not play nicely it is devastating. Also today I may have found myself having a moaning competition with my three year old begging her to please use her words (basically so that I could give her WHATEVER she needed and return to the hour I was attempting to steal for writing). When she decided to not use her words, I decided to try moaning back and we proceeded to have a very heated argument made entirely of grunts and moans and whimpers. I’m sure you can guess it ended very well and everyone had a wonderful time.

In actuality this lead directly to me taking a time out shower, some deep breaths and reflecting (while I attempted to rinse away the shame of losing my adult persona in front of my kids) on a blog post I had recently read from James Victore. The post talked about asking ourselves the right questions. And as I stood there formulating my apology to my children “sorry for the groaning contest my loves…” and considering when I was ever going to be able to sit and write today I also considered his question which was; what are the right questions anyway? what should we be asking ourselves.? The answer he offered was that we should be asking…how we can make ourselves happy and what we have to contribute?

And here’s the truth, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know this is the hard way but I also know it’s becoming my way. I’ve longed for a life that’s personal for some time now. And I’m moving through my answers very very slowly day by day. Man is the road to what’s true for you slow. Glacial. Snails pace my friends (hence the logo). And sometimes the choices may seem at odds with each other because in actuality sometimes they are on the surface (i.e. homeschooling your kiddos and having any kind of time to yourself) but at their core they are connected to what makes me happy and what I want to contribute. Which is the permission to be radically slow and imperfect in the practice of both parenting and creativity.

Slow and imperfect. Ooof that’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes but it’s what I want to offer to you. To be rooted in the everyday steady showing up; even when it gets real real hard. Currently I am in a ridiculously slow phase of making things; which could possibly last for at least five more years until my youngest is old enough to use her words (perhaps longer if my behavior, as a 44 year old today, is an indicator of her progress). And that messy, slow, stretched out, itchy place is where I will feel deeper into loving my kids (even when they refuse to eat the deliciousness I put on the table) and my life (even when it doesn’t play nice). As good old James says we can still remember what makes us happy and pay attention to what we’re trying to contribute. The rest is just cold angry soup.

Good Things to share:

Perhaps the first rule of everything we endeavor to do is to pay attention. Perhaps the second is to be patient. And perhaps a third is to be attentive to what the body knows.

This quote is from The Marginalian article which Tim Ferris shared in his 5-Bullet Friday, Barry Lopez on the Cure for Our Existential Loneliness and the Three Tenets of a Full Life . I had never read Barry Lopez and I loved this article. If you’re new to his work and want to sample one of his award-winning books, Tim suggests starting with Of Wolves and Men or Arctic Dreams.

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